Dalton's Hot Gift/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, people are always surprised to find out that I enjoy a game of golf. I think it's the idea of being outdoors with lots of wide open spaces and a bag full of assorted weapons. And when it's finally spring after a long cold winter, the itch is pretty unbearable. And the same thing with golf. But of course many of us who have chosen marital bliss as an alternate lifestyle are not free to go golfing until the yard is cleaned up of all the winter flotsam and jetsam. Meanwhile my neighbour, who owns the property on the other side of that fence and is a less sensitive, more chauvinistic kind of a guy, has already teed off, in, oh, so many ways. Here's what I do. Before winter came I tied this tarp to that same fence and I laid the tarp over my yard to catch all the winter crap. Then I tied this edge up to an old work sock here. All I gotta do is drop a golf ball down inside the sock, get her all the way down to the toe. And then I just tee her up nice, and suddenly my rough becomes my neighbour's fairway. Fore! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Well, I appreciate that. Kind of a disturbing week up at the lodge this week. We've got a bit of a crime wave going on up here. Petty theft. Oddball stuff. All of junior singleton's lawn ornaments were stolen. He's got a big collection of those fat people bent over. It's a real landmark up here. So now junior and his wife had to spend the whole day bent over on their front lawn just so people can find their way around. Mr. Green, we're getting a gift for dalton, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to chip in? Well, what's the gift? What's the gift for? And how much is it gonna cost me? Answer the last one first. Five bucks. All right, go on. Okay, well, dalton's got, like, a big birthday coming up, and we thought we'd get him, like, a special gift. Only it's a surprise, so we don't want him to know about. Yeah, I understand the basic concept of a surprise, mike. Sure you can put me down for five bucks. Ah, gee, thanks a lot, mr. Green. I got this really great deal on this real special barbecue. If I get 20 guys to cough up five bucks each, then we're there. Just you. You got so far? Well, how many do what about yourself? Oh, sure, I'll think about it. Oh, gotta go. Mum's the word. Hey! What's going on? What? Nothing. It's not like it's anybody's birthday or anything. I'm talking about theft, red. Yeah, somebody broke into my store and took the deluxe barbecue out of the window display. Holy smokes, I don't think I'm ever going to get that back. Well, now, you just might, dalton. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and today the winner will get 12,000 gallons of bunker "c" crude oil, to be picked up at your convenience. The oil is currently floating at the north end of possum lake. Good. Good. Close your ears. Harold, you have 30 seconds to get your uncle red to say this word... And go! Okay, okay, uncle red, what do you call a person who's never had any form of sexual activity? Harold. Come on. Come on. Here for this, you know! I don't have to be okay, all right. No, it's not a name. But it is a descriptive word for someone who doesn't have sex. Ugly. No. No. No. This is a part of someone's life where they're not interested in intimate contact. Death? No. No. Okay, it's a decision they make, and they say, no sexual activity for me, because I'm... Married. No. Okay, most religious workers are this. Tax exempt? Tax exempt? Why would you even think tax exempt!? Okay, okay. Time's almost up. Uncle red, what do you do during trout season to earn extra money? Sell bait? Oh, come on! When the fumes have melted your patio chairs 'cause your lawn is a toxic spill, when you breathe it burns all your nostril hairs and makes your pet skunk ill, when your septics have you at the end of your rope, call us, the people with skill. With rothschild's you know you always have hope, 'cause we can take it, and we will. You know, one of the great frustrations in life is wanting things you can't have. Like, a cure for a fatal disease or world peace or having your own automatic garage door opener. Well, I've got great news for you. This time I'm gonna show you how to build your own garage door opener. All you gotta do is take off these big springs. These springs hold the door open, but you don't want that. You want the door to stay closed. Okay, good. No, that's good. All right, now, I've attached one end of a chunk of rope to the top of my garage door. So when the rope is pulled, the door will open. Okay, next we just need a pulley of some kind. Oh, there we go. I'll just thread the other end of the rope through one of the rims on my old bike. See, that's the beauty of never throwing anything out. Never know when you're going to need it again. I bet bernice has tried a million times to to get rid of that bike. She should see this. Bernice! Bernice. Never mind. Okay, now we're getting there. So as soon as anything pulls on the rope, the door opens. Okay, now all we have to do is run it around something strong and smooth, and I don't mean a glass of single-malt whiskey. I'm talking about a pole or a fire hydrant or an imbedded missile of some kind. Then you run the rope across the driveway at about windshield height. That oughta keep the snowmobilers outta there. All right, let's give her a try. Okay, now, you wanna get yourself a car with a power antenna. If you don't have one of those, you probably live in a dump that doesn't have a garage anyway. So remember if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Red: Bernice! [ applause ] you know, a lot of us middle-aged guys are pretty rugged. We don't complain if we nail a finger to the workbench, or maybe take a flying tire in the face. Even shoot off the occasional toe. But if we get a cold or the flu, we go down like a cheap lawn chair. Now, believe it or not, this is part of the manly art of being manly. You see, most men like to pretend they're indestructible. And it stops them from saying things like, I can't lift my end of the piano; or, I don't wanna go up on the roof; or, this is the first time I've used an arc welder. You see, it's men like me who can't ask for help that creates most of the problems. That's why we let a cold bring us to our knees. We know a cold is no big deal, but we figure if we can say, hey, I need help, when we don't really need help, then maybe we won't have to say, hey, I need help, when we really do need help. I'll tell you if middle-aged men could get help without asking for it, there'd be a lot more of us sitting at home feeling better about ourselves and a lot fewer of us sitting in the emergency room trying to come up with an explanation. Remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ film projector running ] oh, hi, everybody. Ranger gord here. Welcome to the educational portion of the show and the only segment of this programme that has any real lasting value in the purest sense. I'm pleased to present another in my series of animated shorts. And you know, being alone in the fire tower for as long as I've been, there's nothing I like more than animated shorts. [ laughter ] trust me. Anyway, today's film is all about being ready. So are you ready now? No? [ whistling ] how about now? Okay, here we go. [ ♪♪ ] today I'm going to teach everyone in the world about preparation. Do you two know what preparation is? Sure, I believe it's that medicine that comes in a tube. You know, uncle red, not everything ranger gord says is just a set-up for a cheap joke. Harold is right. This is no joke. Preparation is the most important thing in life. Well, other than women and dry underwear. The boy scouts have a motto, "be ready." I think it's "be prepared." I think. Who cares what you think, harold? Here, let me show you. Are you ready? Uh, I think so. I wasn't taking to you. [ laughs ] see how that works? Follow me. You know, harold, as a forest ranger, I have to be ready at all times for any emergency. You know, I guess you could say I'm a super el primo boy scout. Uh, no, I couldn't say that. I know you think forest rangers are only here to protect the environment. But there's a lot more to it than that. Yeah, you have to also be a weirdo. No, that's not correct. Being a weirdo is completely optional. But a forest ranger does need to be ready for anything. Ah! Were you ready for this, ranger gord? Absolutely! Don't tell me the super el primo boy scout can fly. Nope, don't need to. Hey, that's not fair! You're right. What do we do now, gord? Try this. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ laughing ] [ ♪ ] [ applause ] well, the crime wave continues. Moose thompson had his laundry stolen right off his clothesline. Now, that's gotta be vandalism. There's nobody around here big enough to wear his clothes, unless maybe the circus is in town. Hey, mr. Green! Hey! Have a look at this barbecue we're giving to dalton. Oh, yeah. Or what? Is it a beauty and get a load of the price, 100 bucks. How can you beat that? Yeah, that's a real steal. Go ahead, open it up. Take a look. No, I don't wanna put my fingerprints on it, mike. Yeah, we gotta keep it nice for dalton. Can I hide it in here until dalton's birthday? He'd never think to look in the lodge for anything. You know, mike, I hate to ask you this, but is that barbecue hot? Oh, yeah, it goes up to 500 degrees! No, that's not what I mean. I mean did you steal that barbecue? Mr. Green, what must you think of me? We don't have time for that, mike. Did you steal the barbecue? Absolutely not, and I'm disgusted that you would even think such a thing! Well, I apologize. It's just that when a guy goes to jail 37 times for theft, well, a person can jump to conclusions. Hiya, dalton. How you doin'? Well, there's still no sign of that missing barbecue. I phoned the police, gave them a complete description. Yeah, it's got a nice hood on it, enameled green. A little shelf on each side with a burner. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah, I can almost picture it. $1200, red! Boy, the guy that's got that is going to spend a long time in jail. I don't know. What's that? It's not a barbecue if that's what you're thinking. No, there's something just weird, not quite right. What -- what -- you know what? I cleaned. I cleaned, dalton, and I painted. That's all wet paint. You don't wanna get wet paint on you, dalton. It doesn't look wet. It looks dusty. That's the colour. Dusty brown. You know what it is? It's the fumes, the dusty brown paint fumes. Remember dusty springfield? Wasn't she great, eh? She's great. Let's go. Red: Winston and I were blowing up balloons for a party, and I was having problems. He obviously has a little more wind than I do. And he was kinda razzing me on it and everything, which I didn't appreciate too much. Next thing you know there's a bee. I don't like the bees 'cause they can make you swell up and everything. I kind directed him over -- oh! There you go. Now who's the funny one, huh? I'm looking at the bee, I'm thinking -- oh, there he is. I knew there'd be a hive around there. I'm just more comfortable getting it out of there. We can take the step ladder over and take a burlap bag and just go on up and that. And I think it's safer if you go up, winston. Then I can hold the ladder. So winston gets up there and -- yeah, away you go. You're fine. No, you're fine. You're fine. The problem there is he's just not quite tall enough to get to the hive, and that's the only ladder we've got, so I did what I had to do. And that got him up, and he got the hive. And he got in the bag, and then he dropped the whole unit. I couldn't hang around. So then the bees are flying inside the bag. The whole thing has taken off there. First thing I gotta do is bring winston back down to earth, which is a big job all on its own. And then I thought, well, you know, I've got the fishing gear. If that thing is floating around through the sky, we might be able to just, uh, get a good lure. I'm usually pretty good with this thing. And just, uh, reel back, and one good cast... And got her! Got her. All right, now just reel her in. Gentle. That's only a 10-pound test on there. I don't know how much these bees w -- but you know, what came down was really just the empty bag. And now I'm wondering does the hive float up in the sky or will it drop? I don't know whether -- does it drop or -- I'm not sure what would happen next. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I've heard of a person with a bee in their bonnet, but winston went to a whole new level. [ applause ] I'm not a big fan of small cars. I know they're cheaper on gas and easier to park, but you feel like such a weenie driving them. And you can only run into small things without hurting yourself. I'll tell you the worst part about a small car, the horn. No intimidation factor at all. It sounds like somebody stepping on a frog. Here's a better idea. Go down to your local auto wreckers and pick out as many working car horns as you can get your hands on. Then you mount 'em in any open space under the hood. And believe me, with an engine the size of an electric razor, you're gonna have plenty of room. The other cars may not see you coming; they may not even care if you're coming; but I promise you one thing, [ chuckles ] they'll hear you coming. Just be sure you start her up before you honk the horn. Otherwise, your battery will die faster than a blond joke at the miss america pageant. And it's just that easy. Remember, honk if you hate noise pollution. [ honk! ] [ applause ] mike has put us in a terrible position here. I'm glad to get dalton a birthday gift, but boy, not worth going to jail for, eh? Not for a lousy barbecue anyway. Get ready. He's here! Winston's bringing him in. Where are the exotic dancers? Dalton, we brought you here for a special surprise. Exotic dancers? No, dalton. We know it's your birthday, so we got you a special present. Well, even one exotic dancer would be fine. Dalton! Mr. Green, would you do the honours? Dalton, we got together and we got this for you. And wanna wish you a happy birthday. Wow! What is that? I don't know. Well, it's a barbecue. It's a barbecue! It's a yellow barbecue. Oh, that is so nice. You know what? I don't need a barbecue. Remember the one that was stolen from the window of my store? Yeah? Well, it turns out ann marie hid it to give it to me for my birthday. [ laughs ] boy, it's a beaut too. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. Okay. Right down. I'll be so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I was reminded tonight of our dating years, because mike was looking at me exactly the way your dad used to. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] winston guys, guys, sit down. Come to order. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. I'm sorry, all right? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com